When I was a lad
I often dreamt of a career
I really didn't have to dream too far
Cos Mum and Dad were on the stage,
it all seemed very clear
That I'd go on the boards and be a star
I practised every number
till I knew them all by heart
I memorised the witty repartee
One day I told my father, Dad,
it's time for me to start
An d this is what
my mother said to me
Life's a bed of roses
till the show you're doing closes
On the boards, on the boards
Every shining hour
brings a shower of rewards
If you think it's funny
getting laughs instead of money
On the boards, damn those boards
Unless you wanna blow your vocal chords
If you think you're quite a someone,
when some bum out there applauds,
go on the stalls, go on the balls,
for rich rewards,
go on the balls.
Life is fine and dandy,
but a free meal comes in handy,
on the balls, on the balls.
Every night you're whining out
and dining out like lords
Paying with a check
that's gonna bounce
from here to Mecca on the boards
Down those boards!
Where else can you draw blood
with rubber swabs?
If you've got the dedication
and the pa tience of a saint
Go on the boards!
Go on the boards!
To live like lords
Go on the boards
On the other hand,
if you want a cosy life,
A house, a car, some kids, a wife,
A little Sunday golfing and a beer,
If you want to live that way,
A steady job with steady pay,
And a trip to Scunthorpe every hour,
Drive a trolley, fix a faucet,
push a barrel around
Breed a collie, make a corset,
take a job underground
At least you know you'll get your dough
when Friday comes round
If you want to lead a cosy life
On the other hand,
life is rich and golden
Until your masterpiece starts
folding on the boards
On the boards
Dancing like a demon,
you're a he -man with the brawns
If you like your ac tion,
well your leg is a protraction
On the boards
Damn those boards
And damn those bleating,
popcorn -eating whores
If you wanna miss a custard guy
and a bustard in your face
Go on the boards
For hordes of broads,
go on the boards
But I'd rather
starve in make -up
Than to wake up as a clerk
I love those boards,
those rubber swords
Those hordes of broads,
their rich rewards
I love the bars