But here's a song that
attempts to tell you
some of the stories in today's newspaper
that we think are important,
that you may not have read.
They installed a condom dispenser
at the Vatican.
Yasser Arafat said he'd never
wear that hat again.
The Germans gave every
holocaust survivor
a Mercedes -Benz
And the Tootsies and the Tootoos
made amends
Hell froze over today
I made good on several debts
I never thought I'd have to pay
They discovered Jimmy Hoffa
in a houseboat on Lake Erie
Someone proved conclusively
the single bullet theory was wrong
Woody Allen walked hand -in -hand
with Louis Farrakhan
Faced the nation had Cindy Crawford
and Bo Derekhan
They put the faces of the Chicago
Seven on a first -class stand
And they finished the goddamned
Robertson off -ramp
Hell froze over today
And I made good on several debts
I never thought I'd have to pay
They awarded the Congressional
Medal of Honor
To Timothy Leary
Someone proved conclusively
A single -bullet theory was wrong
Uncle Sam made reparations
for repressions great and small
By creating a society
with liberty and dignity
And equal opportunity and justice for all
Well, that Earth Goddess program
on Channel 3 went national
Iran and Iraq
became one country called Irrational
Every commuter in greater
Los Angeles
Learned how to ride the bus
And the rich folks said,
please tax the shit out of us
Hell broke over today
And I made good on several debts
I never thought I'd have to pay
They served something tasty and nutritious
In a high school cafeteria
Someone proved conclusively
To sing the bullet theory
Someone proved conclusively
To sing the Bullet Theory
was wrong