キー: Ab major
Verse 1
Gm
G
Gm
I'm not proud of everything I say,
She wants to have kids,
C
Bm
G
I'm not ready to mess up children.
Gm
G
I'm still just getting used to,
you know, being married,
being in a relationship, period. I mean, was,
because I was single for a long, long time
before I met my wife, so it's like, it's a change,
you know, like, she moved in with me
a couple years ago,
I felt bad for her. Because,
I mean, I lived in my house
for like five years by myself,
the fridge works.
She moves in, she's like,
what's in this room?
I'm like, I had bats,
I haven't gone in there in a while, I don't know.
Why is there a footprint on the wall?
Because I had to show a mosquito
who's fucking boss around here,
that's there's a footprint on it.
It's just cleaning and yelling at me
for like a week.
When was the last time
this bathroom was cleaned?
You'll have to track
down the previous owners,
I'm tired
of all these fucking questions
because she's from like civilization
you know I mean better class of people
you know both her parents were teachers
C
G
and fucking taxpayers and shit like I mean
I always feel stupid so tell me like you know our parents are going on vacation
C
G
to Florida or something I'm like oh my my dad's burning shit
in the backyard right now,
that's uh,
that's what he's doing for vacation.
C
G
You know, she told me growing up in
her house
if somebody burped or farted
they had to say pardon me.
That blew my fucking mind.
I really like, my family would be
more offended by pardon me.
You know like,
did you just say pardon me?
Oh, guess we're having dinner
with the king of fucking England tonight,
I had no idea. Yeah.
Somebody's better than us,
look at him.
Fucking buttons on
his shirt and shit.
But yeah, we, you know,
it's an adjustment though,
you know, living with somebody.
gotta, you know, you gotta learn how to,
you gotta learn how to coexist,
you know, both ways really.
I mean, you know, cause I, I mean, I like,
I like warm weather,
but inside the house, I'm fat,
so I keep my house like a fucking meat
locker all year.
I mean, I just, you know, it's 63 no matter when,
and she's always cold.
And she always says,
why do you have to keep
it so fucking cold in here?
I'm like, because it's easier
for you to put on a sweatshirt
than it is for me to lose 60
fucking pounds.
And so, I mean,
which one's going to happen today? just...
F#m
G
You know, you got to learn how to,
you got to learn how to live together,
it's a different experience for me all together,
F
you know.
It's like when you're married,
you know, you just,
You know, like she tries to make me look like a decent citizen,
you know, like, like people get like birthday cards from me.
People know I don't give a shit about them,
I mean, people thank me for shit,
it's like you know I didn't send that, I mean,
thank you for the fruit basket,
oh yeah, that was
Fuckin' me, yeah,
Yeah, well, you know, you just,
you do different things.
We have different friends.
We have couples friends now,
C
that's weird.
G
C
People you'd never hang out with otherwise,
G
but it's like, oh,
but there's two of them,
so now they're awesome.
Like, we go to our friend's house,
her friend has a boyfriend
or something.
It's like I'm her son.
and go play with fuckin' Jeff.
You can't just throw me together
with dudes
because we're dudes, you know?
Yeah, go talk about your
balls or whatever.
mean, it's gotta be chemistry.
It's gotta be the right kind of dude.
Like, I don't know if it's a bad
quality I have.
Like, I can't hang out with dudes
who don't know anything
about sports.
Like, I just think, hey, it's weird.
I'm like, what do you do?
What do you have, dolls and shit?
What do you do?
Or dudes who like weird
sports, you know?
How are you mainly into lacrosse?
What fucking TV package
is that that I don't
know about?
But sports, as men,
sports gives us something to talk about
so we can get to know each other
without really having to fucking know each
other, you know?
Because we don't
know each other
G
C
G
I didn't realize it myself, I never thought about it until I had a wife asking me questions about my friends and I'm like, I have no fucking answers for you,
I mean, I don't know, my best friend since high school,
what does Tim do for a living?
I'm like, he fucking works
or some shit, don't know.
Eight hours a day,
C
G
I don't fucking see him, I guess.
Does he have a girlfriend?
I don't know.
How do you know?
I guess they don't.
He's never tried to fuck me, but...
Then again, a lot of people haven't.
So that doesn't
really determine his sexuality
G
F
Either way, I... But it's just, you know, like, with sports, sports are good, you know,
G
barometer to figure out if we're gonna be able to, you know, hang out.
Like, we're leaving her friend's
house.
It's like she set me up on a blind date.
It's like, so? what'd you think of Jeff?
I'm oh, well, Jeff thinks LeBron James
is better than Michael Jordan,
so I think Jeff should fucking
die.
Does that make me a bad guy?
You don't think it's that deep.
Okay, what about besides
that?
I'm like, I stopped fucking talking to him after,
mean, our relationship
ended at that point.
Did you hear what I said?
Because women will talk about more substantial shit, you know, like if you're friends,
you'll talk about more intimate stuff, you know, like you talk about your relationship
and your sex life and then she'll tell me,
and I don't want to know this shit
about people I got to see again.
Did you know they only
have sex in the kitchen?
Fuckin' do now, thank you.
You didn't know that?
No, I just know if we go over there again,
we're gonna bring our own plates
and forks and shit, I mean.
Because Jeff didn't tell me
about the kitchen himself.
Now, I gotta go look Jeff in the eye
and act like I don't know about the
fuckin' kitchen
and it's gonna get weird.
No, I don't, Jeff.
if she had it in car, I'm fine.
If you're ever in a couple's friendship,
the women always know more intimate shit about the other couple
than they put it on us
and we're gonna fucking carry it with us.
I gotta go to dinner and not giggle.
Did you know Jeff likes to put goldfish crackers
in his butthole?
Why would he ever share that
with me?
No, that didn't come up.
Why are we talking about
fantasy fucking football?
No, I don't want to know
this shit.
I'm not enough of a grown -up
to have that kind of information
at my disposal.
Like I'm not going to use that.
Next time me and Jeff are arguing about sports,
I'm just going to sit on that
fucking goldmine, really?
You back me into a corner,
I will use what I got to get.
I will use whatever I
have in my arsenal
to survive. Oh, really, Jeff?
Peyton Manning has better stats
than Tom Brady?
Well, I don't think Tom Brady
puts fucking crackers up his ass,
does he, Jeff?
Yeah, didn't think I knew that
shit.
Go clean your fucking kitchen
and get the fuck away from me, alright?
I'm gonna watch lacrosse.
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